Cleansing

I've found that in order for a wound to heal properly, you must clean and disinfect it.  If you allow that wound to close with all that pus and infection in it, it will soon burst back open. 
Same goes for our soul.  Though I thought that my wounds were completely healed, they were not.  I tried to cover them up, with bandages, gauze and tape, without disinfecting and cleansing them properly, and now look whats happened; they are oozing all over the place.  I can't have that, so I must clean it up, disinfect it and allow it to heal properly.
My writing is my disinfectant.  It is my cleansing process, so that I may heal properly, so that I may be able to help someone else.  Cleanse so that the holes in my soul, head, and heart will close and heal properly and never return.
I need to cleanse these wounds, so that the oozing will stop (the crying, the sleepless nights, the depression), so that I can be whole, free from holes.
Whatever it takes for you to cleanse, do that.  I'm doing this.

-COCO-

Guilt

I have been praying for over a year now, asking God to help me let go of this guilt.  I’ve been asking myself over and over again, what I could have done differently, to help him.  What could I have done differently to make his life better?  Should I have sought more help?  Should I have been a stay at home mom?  Did I work too much?  Was I in the wrong relationship?  Did he not have enough positive role models in his life?

Well, today I had a profound revelation; I DID NOTHING WRONG.  I did everything that I could for him and I am a damn good mother!  I couldn’t have worked to hard, because I had two other children to care for. I disciplined him when I should have; I sought the help that school counselors told me that he needed.  I prayed, I kept him in church, I sent him away to military boot camp.  What else could I have done?  Nothing.

I worked my butt off to keep a roof over my children’s head, food in their mouth and clothes on their backs.  They may not have had every name -brand clothing known to man, but they dressed nice and they were always clean.  I did my very best as a single mother, to never have to live in the ghetto: so that they wouldn’t have to fight their way to school every day, have freedom to walk to the neighborhood store, or be able to play freely in the park.

It was nothing that I did wrong, it was the life that he chose to live and the type of friends that he chose to be involved with.  What he’s going thru now, I have no doubt that God will bring him out, but this is a lesson for him to learn and not a punishment for me.  It took me a long time to realize that, but I finally did.

For every single mother out there that may have a troubling child, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.  If you have done everything that you could, rest easy.  There are some things that people (children) have to go through in order to have a testimony for their adult lives.  Don’t let your child guilt you into feeling like you weren’t or aren’t a good parent.  He use to try and do that to me, saying that I loved the other two more than I loved him.  I honestly allowed that to affect me.  NO MORE.  I love all my kids the same.  I won’t do for one that I won’t do for the other and they all know that.  I bend over backwards for every single child that I gave birth to (and some I didn’t).

So today, I am free of the guilt. And you should be too.

-COCO-

Sleepless in my bed

Most nights, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't seem to concentrate on more than one thing at a time; my mind races 90 miles a minute, every second of every day. Why? Because I bare the burdens of other people, take on things that don't belong to me.

If I get five hours of sleep on any given night, without waking up the next morning feeling like I've been fighting for my life, I'm doing good. I wake up totally exhausted, something has got to give.

If my mind isn't racing about this son or that son, this thing or that thing, how can I push myself harder to make my dream become reality faster, so that I can help all of my sons or this person or that person, with this thing or that. Where will my life be in a year, will the relationship I'm in stay together or fall apart (basing it on past relationships and hurts). It's always something. People love to call and talk to me about one thing or the other and I love listening and giving advice. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm going to give you TRUTH, it may go your way, it may not. But you get the truth.

And it's like I see a problem of a family member or friend and I feel that I must find a way to fix it. Did they ask me to? No? But if I see it's bothering or hurting them, then it bothers me. If I see one of them going down the wrong path or that someone is out to hurt them, I feel it's my job to step in and derail it. What is this thing that plagues me?! Why can't I just worry about myself and the ones that live in my home? Those things alone is enough to keep my mind occupied. It's like I can't help myself. But I have to find a way or I know that I may self destruct.

I carry to much in my heart and my head. Some how, some way, I have to filter out the things that don't concern me, only intervene in extreme emergencies.

I am not Superwoman, I can't save the world and the sad things is, no one has asked me to.




-COCO-

Warning Signs

I should have never ignored the warning signs, all the bells and whistles that were going off in my head and my stomach, I pushed them deep into the back of my mind, locked it and prayed that it didn't seep out.  I held the answer to my own fate and I ignored it.
Some people call them premonitions, some call it woman's institution, to me they are simply my dreams.
The first dream that I had (sign # 1), was about the bouquet of flowers that my very best girlfriend was making for the wedding party.  She made a sample and I thought they were just beautiful.  After looking over the sample, she proceeded to make the rest of the bouquets.  A few days later, I had a dream that three of the bouquets, became unraveled and fell apart.  Before I could even tell her about my dream, she said, "sis, I have some bad news, some of the bouquets came undone, the beading and everything fell off, so we had to get some more material and items." 
The second dream that took place was that my cousin couldn't make it to the wedding (because she was driving from out of town) because of a storm that was brewing.
The third dream, which also ties into the second dream; was about the night that we were suppose to have the wedding rehearsal, it was raining cats and dogs! The wind was blowing out of control as if a storm was on its way; a hurricane even.
And can you guess what happened on May 16, 2008, it started raining cats and dogs, my cousin (from dream number two) was in a minor car accident and almost couldn't make it.  The rehearsal seemed as if it was never going to start, the music we needed to rehearse with, was left at home, I asked "him" to go back to get it, he felt like it wasn't necessary, so there we are in an argument in the rehearsal hall.  There was tension the rest of the night between the two of us: even as we went our separate ways to hang out with our friends, not many words were passed between us.
The day had arrived and even though I had that gut wrenching feeling, how could I turn back?  Everything was in place, everything was paid for, all the guest had arrived, looking lovely in their wedding attire; to see two people who "LIKED" each other enough to put on a circus show and get married.  I couldn't admit it then, but I can now, we may have liked each other alot, but we didn't love each other, nor were we in love.  You may be asking, how can she say that, Love doesn't hurt; verbally, emotionally or physically. And I did love him once, I was in love with him once, but thru the years, through all the mess, it went away and I stayed because I was content. That's my truth: I own it.
I should have paid close attention to the dreams, as well as the bells and whistles that were going off in my head.  In itself, it told me that a hurricane was brewing and you know what, that's exactly what happened.  The hurricane came, but I am thankful that it didn't take any lives: it just missed us.

-COCO-

A Place to Call Home

It seems unnatural that I long for a place where I have no family, but feel the most loved.  A placed that I have had some not so wonderful memories, but I long to call home.  A place where I wasn’t born, have no childhood memories, no parents, siblings, but a whole lot of friends.  Yet I feel a unknowingly, gnawing, sensation to be there. 

The people that live there, doesn’t think it’s all that great, but I love it!  To me, it’s so full of life!  There’s always something to do and the opportunities seem endless (to me).  I couldn’t ask for a better place to live.  It’s vibrant!  It’s warm!  It’s inviting! The shopping is endless (lol).  It has all my favorite places; I miss it something horrible.

  I’ve tried pushing my feelings to the pit of my stomach, bury them, but it’s not working.  I don’t know what else to do.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, we cannot be together at the moment, but maybe, just maybe, some day……….  Maybe someday this place and I will be reunited and maybe I will feel whole again.  Until then, I will visit as often as I can, to feel the warmth of the breeze, to smell the ocean air, sit in your parks that give me serenity, just to hear you whisper WELCOME HOME.

-COCO-

Don't sell him short

*sighing*  I had to let out a deep sigh, before writing this blog.  Why?  Because I am guilty of it, as I'm sure some of you are.
I have been hurt, disappointed, manipulated, verbally and some what physically abused in relationships, some of them all within one relationship.  I stop dating for a while, or sometimes I would date, just for the mere fact of inflicting the pain on them that someone had inflicted on me.  Was it right?  Not at all, but at the time I didn't know how else to deal with it.  You live and you learn.
I has taken me, until this very day (at the age of 39) to say, "Stop it, he is not to blame for what the last person has done to you."
It has been been a year and seven months, since I have started dating again.  For a year, this gentlemen has been nothing but sweet, kind, wonderful, totally and completed understanding, and has tried to love the pain away.  Me on the other hand, have been bitchy, complaining, comparing him to another, waiting on the other shoe to drop, doing everything that I can to push him away.  And for what?  Because I'm scared to death that he will turn out like the last one.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me.  He is a gentlemen (opens car doors and all other doors), he loves God, he works damn hard, he brings me flowers on any given day, just because, will cook my favorite meal, get up in the middle of the night to satisfy whatever craving I'm having (I'm not pregnant), just an all around good guy.  So WHAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I've spent so much time waiting on the other shoe to drop, that I haven't been enjoying life.  Today it ends.  I will love him as much as he loves me, soothe his hurts and scars, as much as he has soothed mine, spoil him the way he spoils me.  He deserves my best, as he has given me his.  I have to remind myself that HE is not HIM.
So remember, in your next relationship, don't blame this guy for what the past guy has done.  Even if it doesn't work out, live in the moment and enjoy life.  From this day forward, I will not SELL HIM SHORT.

-COCO-

My Raw Truth

“Whatare you doing?!”  There I was standing inthe door way of the kitchen between my children and the man holding a gun.  The man that vowed to love me for better orworse, sickness and in health, to be the protector of my children, was standingthere holding a gun, loaded and cocked, ready to shoot one of my children! Andfor what?  I couldn’t believe what wasgoing on.  Have you ever experiencedsomething in your life that shook you to your core and you felt like you werehaving an outer body experience?  For amoment I was in shock, my feet were glued to the floor; my heart was poundingnine million miles a minute, and at the mere sight of the gun!  I had to quickly shake myself back intoreality to defuse the situation and get my children as well as myself out ofthat house and into safety.  I was scaredout of my mind!  I wasn’t scared of him,what I was scared for the life on my children. Who was this man standing in front of me?!  I didn’t know him and at this point, I didn’twant to know him.  In my mind I began topray: Father God in the name of Jesus, pleasedon’t let this situation go any further. God I beg of you, step in and just help me get us to safety.
Bythis time there was so much yelling and screaming going on, I could barleythink straight. The dog was barking and growling and I felt a nip in my back,reached backed and pushed the dog away and continued trying to get the childrenout of the house.  My nephew was standingsomewhere close by, but things were kind of blurry for me.  I couldn’t believe that the man that wassupposed to be a father figure to my children for ten years, was standing thereholding a gun!  There was so much emotionflying around in that tight space, I didn’t know what to do.  By this time the children starting grabbingknives in order to better protect themselves and I was trying to push them outof the back door; out of harm’s way.
Theargument starts to get louder and louder, my head is spinning and tears areflowing. In the background I heard one of my sons’ yelling; “I can’t believethis nigga pulled a gun on me.” Another son screamed; “We don’t have to takethis, let’s just kill him!”  My heartdropped to my stomach and I began to pray a little harder!   Now we really have to get out of here!  I now begin to push the children out the backdoor towards safety.  They don’t want toleave me in the house, I’m trying to protect them and they are trying toprotect me.  My nephew appears from thefront side of the house to help me get them out the door and call for help.

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Young women, young ladies, woman, what eva you call yourself. It's time out for being silly.  For all of you rich, poor, African American women(you are really poor, but you think your rich, because you can wear every name bran their is & can't pay your bills on time), it's time out for acting like you have to be on every scene, with a new outfit on; trying to catch some brotha with a few dollas, to take care of you.  That is so OLD.  Get out there & get it 4 yourself. Stop acting like u don't have a mind of your own. Go 2 school & have a profession of your own, that will bring in your own money.
Stop selling yourself short, young ladies with children. It's not cute to always casually date some 1, just to say u went out & don't have food in your house.  The time you wasted going out, could have been spent figuring out how your gonna put food in the house for you & your kids. The money he spent taking you out, could have been spent in Walmart, Winn Dixie, Publix, or Food Lion, to get enough food to last at least a week.  But because you want a nice meal, u feed the kids hotdogs, while u go have Shrimp & Steak. Stop being so SILLY! Stop having guys come ova, having casual sex & u have 9 million things on your plate that u don't know how your gonna take care of & they can't offer u a dime. Now he's gone home & u still don't know how your gonna pay your electric bill, phone bill, car payment or rent.  Baby u better invest in some sex toys & keep it moving!  Y?! Because most guys only gonna give u about thirty minutes anyway. They want you cause you're easy and u don't expect anything from them.  Trust they don't wanna deal with me, because I come with a price tag!  Oh, so now I'm a hoe cause I said that? Lol.  Allow me to explain my price tag, it's call integrity, self respect and most of all pride! Stop selling yourself short!

-COCO-

Brothers (by Damon Lettingham)

Brothers

1Brothers boldly bond simply because of love,

2Like the bond of two doves they stick together through thick and thin,

3No matter what happens they will never split at the end,

4Their love for each other is unbelievable,

5Breaking them up is unachievable

6Brothers are superheroes,

7Saving each other from what life throws,

8They hold each other in the cold,

9Speaking to god because only he knows,

10Their love is worth more than gold

11Brothers are like soldiers in a war,

12When one is down the others are there to restore,

13Realizing that no one can extirpate their love,

14They pray and receive blessings from the man above,

15Brothers.

Raw Truth

 At the age of 19, I got pregnant with my first child.  I was mixed with emotion.  I was happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because I thought, "Oh yes, I'm going to have this baby and my child's father and I will be a family."  That was so far from the truth.  When I told him, I was pregnant, his response was, "Are you sure it's mine?"
Now, I was hurt and looking stupid in the face.  But why?  My child's father and I wasn't in a relationship at the time, he was in a relationship with someone else and I was the side chick he was sleeping with.  Yes, he and I dated for about five years, but we broke up and during the time that I got pregnant, we weren't together.  I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit my RAW TRUTH.
Me being young and dumb, thought to myself, this baby will bring us back together.  How many of you have had the same thing happen to you?
Long story short, my son is nineteen and his father and I are NOT together.  Young women, I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying this to help you: HAVING A BABY BY A GUY WHO YOU ARE JUST MESSING AROUND WITH ON THE SIDE, ISN'T GOING TO BRING HIM TO YOU.  HAVING A BABY WITH A GUY (and you know your relationship is rocky) IS NOT GOING TO KEEP HIM.  HAVING A BABY, DOESN'T KEEP A MAN. AND THAT'S THE RAW TRUTH!
Now, you're stuck raising a child by yourself.  Yes, he may pay child support, yes, he  may or may not come around, but you guys still aren't together.  Now, you're hurt and mad and do everything you can to make his life miserable and what's the very first thing we as hurt woman do...... be honest. WE USE THE BABY AGAINST HIM. 
We put ourselves in that situation, but we blame him, RAW TRUTH, it's not fair and it's not right. Some of us are guilty of it, so I say to you, stop it.  Refocus your energy of something positive.  Children are a blessing, but in the right way.
Like it or not, you know that I am telling nothing but the RAW TRUTH.

COCO

Flies

Some people are just like flies.  Some say flies vomit or poop every time they land, some say that flies merely spit.  Either way it's nasty.  So for those people that are around you that only add, spit, poop, or vomit to your life, every time they land (they are around you), it's time to let them go.  If not, eventually you will drown, from all the spit, poop or vomit that surrounds you.
Surround yourself with people that are willing to be uplifting and positive in your life.

-COCO-

Losing Yourself

DON'T HAVE YOUR COPY YET?  HERE'S WHERE YOU CAN GET IT.  HAPPY READING.

http://www.amazon.com/Losing-Yourself-Rosa-Campbell/dp/1607250217/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346256677&sr=8-1&keywords=losing+yourself+by+rosa+campbell

Who are you?

In relationships, we as women often get caught up in the life that our mate is living.  All to often I've heard women say, "I wanted to be a Chef, but I put that on the back burner to help him pursue his dreams and fulfill his goal."  Or, I wanted to be a nurse, a designer, a professional dancer, I wanted to sing, act, etc.etc.
So my question is why is it that we have to put our dreams and goals on hold?  Why can't their dreams and goals take a back seat for once?  Are we so afraid that if we say, no, I want to advance in the world the same as you do that they feel as if we don't love them?  Or that we are horrible mothers and wives for wanting more out of life?
Some men may feel like all women want is a rich, successful man to take care of them.  I'm here to speak for the ones that say; "Sir you are sadly mistaken."  I don't just want to be known as Mr. so and so's wife.  I want them to say, "Hey isn't that Mrs. Roberts, doesn't she work for so and so, or isn't she the one that founded, xyz." 
I want to leave a dent in the world just like you do and I'm not afraid to admit it, nor am I ashamed to say it.  I am Rosa Roberts, and it is my goal to leave this world as a well known, best selling author, we helped someone along the way, sharing the experiences I've had, good or bad.  Who are you?

-COCO-

That doesn't impress me

The fact that you can blow thru two thousand dollars a week, doesn't impress me.  The fact that you buy me nice gifts, day after day, should impress me, but it doesn't.  You see, I've figured out the reason for the gifts, it's to keep me blinded from all the other bull that you have going on, mainly, the chick (or chicks) on the side.  I will admit, the gifts were nice and they kept me blinded, for just a little while, but I've cleaned off my visual lens, and I can see as clear as a sunny day.

I'm not impressed by your status in the world, nor am I impressed by the amount of money that you make.  You want to impress me? give me these things:  Try loving me and only me! Try showing me some respect, not just to my face, but when your away! Your undivided attention when I need it.  You want to shower me with something?  Shower me with you and your thoughtfulness, not your money or your status.

Men, this is fact! A good woman wants your time and attention.  She wants to feel loved and respected.  She wants to feel like she is the only woman in the world for you and that she's woman enough for you.  Yes, the gifts are nice, but buy them because you truly care and not to cover up your indiscretions.

Men with status, i.e. (some, not all) actors, athletes, singers, can have the best woman in the world at home.  One that stood by him, when people didn't know their name, when things weren't always the best, but loved you anyway.  But yet, when the status and money comes, there seems to be a BIGGER ego that comes with it.  Now you have all kind of women throwing them selves at you: and you fall for it.

Let me let you in on something; YOU'RE STUPID.  those woman don't really want you for love, they want you for the things that you can give them and to simply say that they have been with a man of "STATUS." Some women even go as far, wanting to have a baby, because they know that keeps the money coming.  Why jeopardize your home life, for someone who want nothing from (other than sex) and that wants nothing more than to destroy you?  Because most of those type of women, when they don't get what they want, either, tell your wife, main chick, etc. or tell the press.  And now you want to look silly in the face.  How many times have you seen this happen? ALOT.   STOP BEING STUPID.  That would impress me!

He loves me, He loves me not

If I do everything that I can, to make things run smoothly and you do nothing, Do you love me or do you love me not?  I cook, clean, help the children with their homework, hold down a full time job, and on top of that I still have to do you! Do you love me or do you love me not?
I'm mentally and physically drained. More mental than physical. If I wore every scar that you've given me mentally on my back, it would look as if I were in slavery times, whipped by my master.  How much more of this can I take?  Should I take?
Enough is enough, it's time to put me first!  I have to love myself before I can love anyone else, least of all you.  I've given you all of me for years and it seems that you're always there to take, without giving anything in return, except heart ache and heart break.  Is this something that you want our children to grow up to mimic?  We have sons, do you want our sons to think that this is the way a woman should be treated? 
Again I ask, do you love me or do you love me not.  I'm stupid for asking the same question over and over again, because I know the answer: YOU LOVE ME NOT!
How many times can I allow myself to be disrespected, all in fear of being alone.  I can't, I won't.  I can no longer go day to day, worrying or wondering what you will do next.  How will I make ends meet?  If everything that I say is WHAT WILL I DO, instead of WHAT WILL WE DO, the I need to be by myself, cause it's evident that you don't give a damn!
Do you love me or do you love me not?  Let me think: HELL NO! 

For every woman out there who feels like you are being taken advantage of, nine times out of ten, you are.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "People only do to you what you allow them to do."  I've been there, so I speak from experience.  Learn to love you first!

-COCO-

Not Meant to be Broken

It seems that you were trying to break me; break my spirit, but my spirit is not meant to be broken.   My spirit is that of an Eagle, that sores high and is very proud.  It spreads its wings, as it feels the wind of freedom beneath it. My spirit is strong, bold, vibrant and colorful.  Don’t you know who I am?

It seems as if you were trying to break my heart and you succeeded.  And now I’m cleaning up the pieces like shattered glass broken on the floor.  Though, my heart was broken, my spirit lives on and that will help get me thru. For as fragile as my heart may seem, my spirit is ten times stronger! Runs ten times deeper! It’s what helps me wake up in the morning and puts a smile on my face.  Breaking my heart is nothing, because it will mend; but if I allow you to break my spirit, you’ve broken me.  As I smile, I say to you, NEVER.  My spirit is not meant to be broken, not matter what you do.  Don't you know who I am? Come, have a closer look:  Look closer, look deeper, ahhh, there I am: A SURVIVOR!

-COCO-

I don’t know K Michelle or Toya Wright personally; however I wanted to comment on the “spat” that’s going on.  To K Michelle, I can understand what you are going thru, the man that I’m married to (won’t call his name, is a professional athlete and his attitude and temper is nothing to be played with.  To see him in front of the camera, you would think that he is the most humble, caring, and God fearing man on earth!   Off the camera, all I can say is God help us all!  There were family members and friends that knew what he was like, but they upheld his mess for whatever reason.  To this day, I have a restraining order against him.  That speaks for itself.

Now, has he changed, I can’t tell you.  I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a year and nor do I care to.  The emotional and physical strain that he put on me, as well as my children was unbearable to say the least.

I’m sure if you ask the women he’s dating these days (yes we are still married), she would probably say the things that Toya are saying:  She doesn’t know this man that I speak of, she doesn’t know the guy that loved the strip clubs, that cheated with strippers, the man that loved to gamble, didn’t like to come home.  She doesn’t know the man that chocked me (just enough not to leave a bruise on a dark skinned girl) because I caught him cheating, with someone old enough to be his daughter.  She may not know that man, but I DO.  She may not know the man that every discussion was turned into a full blown argument (With him beating on something), she may not know the man that pulled a gun on three children (that I jumped in the front of) over the remote to the tv, but I DO.

Has he changed, he may have.  He may not be that person that I knew anymore, but at one point, HE WAS THAT MAN.

So I say to K Michelle, if that’s something you went thru, God bless you that you were able to get out of it alive and well.  Tell your story to help someone, but don’t be vindictive. And I say to Toya, if he’s not that man that you know and love today, thank God everyday for that, cause it’s no way to live.

-Coco-