Cleansing

I've found that in order for a wound to heal properly, you must clean and disinfect it.  If you allow that wound to close with all that pus and infection in it, it will soon burst back open. 
Same goes for our soul.  Though I thought that my wounds were completely healed, they were not.  I tried to cover them up, with bandages, gauze and tape, without disinfecting and cleansing them properly, and now look whats happened; they are oozing all over the place.  I can't have that, so I must clean it up, disinfect it and allow it to heal properly.
My writing is my disinfectant.  It is my cleansing process, so that I may heal properly, so that I may be able to help someone else.  Cleanse so that the holes in my soul, head, and heart will close and heal properly and never return.
I need to cleanse these wounds, so that the oozing will stop (the crying, the sleepless nights, the depression), so that I can be whole, free from holes.
Whatever it takes for you to cleanse, do that.  I'm doing this.

-COCO-

Guilt

I have been praying for over a year now, asking God to help me let go of this guilt.  I’ve been asking myself over and over again, what I could have done differently, to help him.  What could I have done differently to make his life better?  Should I have sought more help?  Should I have been a stay at home mom?  Did I work too much?  Was I in the wrong relationship?  Did he not have enough positive role models in his life?

Well, today I had a profound revelation; I DID NOTHING WRONG.  I did everything that I could for him and I am a damn good mother!  I couldn’t have worked to hard, because I had two other children to care for. I disciplined him when I should have; I sought the help that school counselors told me that he needed.  I prayed, I kept him in church, I sent him away to military boot camp.  What else could I have done?  Nothing.

I worked my butt off to keep a roof over my children’s head, food in their mouth and clothes on their backs.  They may not have had every name -brand clothing known to man, but they dressed nice and they were always clean.  I did my very best as a single mother, to never have to live in the ghetto: so that they wouldn’t have to fight their way to school every day, have freedom to walk to the neighborhood store, or be able to play freely in the park.

It was nothing that I did wrong, it was the life that he chose to live and the type of friends that he chose to be involved with.  What he’s going thru now, I have no doubt that God will bring him out, but this is a lesson for him to learn and not a punishment for me.  It took me a long time to realize that, but I finally did.

For every single mother out there that may have a troubling child, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.  If you have done everything that you could, rest easy.  There are some things that people (children) have to go through in order to have a testimony for their adult lives.  Don’t let your child guilt you into feeling like you weren’t or aren’t a good parent.  He use to try and do that to me, saying that I loved the other two more than I loved him.  I honestly allowed that to affect me.  NO MORE.  I love all my kids the same.  I won’t do for one that I won’t do for the other and they all know that.  I bend over backwards for every single child that I gave birth to (and some I didn’t).

So today, I am free of the guilt. And you should be too.

-COCO-

Sleepless in my bed

Most nights, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't seem to concentrate on more than one thing at a time; my mind races 90 miles a minute, every second of every day. Why? Because I bare the burdens of other people, take on things that don't belong to me.

If I get five hours of sleep on any given night, without waking up the next morning feeling like I've been fighting for my life, I'm doing good. I wake up totally exhausted, something has got to give.

If my mind isn't racing about this son or that son, this thing or that thing, how can I push myself harder to make my dream become reality faster, so that I can help all of my sons or this person or that person, with this thing or that. Where will my life be in a year, will the relationship I'm in stay together or fall apart (basing it on past relationships and hurts). It's always something. People love to call and talk to me about one thing or the other and I love listening and giving advice. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm going to give you TRUTH, it may go your way, it may not. But you get the truth.

And it's like I see a problem of a family member or friend and I feel that I must find a way to fix it. Did they ask me to? No? But if I see it's bothering or hurting them, then it bothers me. If I see one of them going down the wrong path or that someone is out to hurt them, I feel it's my job to step in and derail it. What is this thing that plagues me?! Why can't I just worry about myself and the ones that live in my home? Those things alone is enough to keep my mind occupied. It's like I can't help myself. But I have to find a way or I know that I may self destruct.

I carry to much in my heart and my head. Some how, some way, I have to filter out the things that don't concern me, only intervene in extreme emergencies.

I am not Superwoman, I can't save the world and the sad things is, no one has asked me to.




-COCO-

Warning Signs

I should have never ignored the warning signs, all the bells and whistles that were going off in my head and my stomach, I pushed them deep into the back of my mind, locked it and prayed that it didn't seep out.  I held the answer to my own fate and I ignored it.
Some people call them premonitions, some call it woman's institution, to me they are simply my dreams.
The first dream that I had (sign # 1), was about the bouquet of flowers that my very best girlfriend was making for the wedding party.  She made a sample and I thought they were just beautiful.  After looking over the sample, she proceeded to make the rest of the bouquets.  A few days later, I had a dream that three of the bouquets, became unraveled and fell apart.  Before I could even tell her about my dream, she said, "sis, I have some bad news, some of the bouquets came undone, the beading and everything fell off, so we had to get some more material and items." 
The second dream that took place was that my cousin couldn't make it to the wedding (because she was driving from out of town) because of a storm that was brewing.
The third dream, which also ties into the second dream; was about the night that we were suppose to have the wedding rehearsal, it was raining cats and dogs! The wind was blowing out of control as if a storm was on its way; a hurricane even.
And can you guess what happened on May 16, 2008, it started raining cats and dogs, my cousin (from dream number two) was in a minor car accident and almost couldn't make it.  The rehearsal seemed as if it was never going to start, the music we needed to rehearse with, was left at home, I asked "him" to go back to get it, he felt like it wasn't necessary, so there we are in an argument in the rehearsal hall.  There was tension the rest of the night between the two of us: even as we went our separate ways to hang out with our friends, not many words were passed between us.
The day had arrived and even though I had that gut wrenching feeling, how could I turn back?  Everything was in place, everything was paid for, all the guest had arrived, looking lovely in their wedding attire; to see two people who "LIKED" each other enough to put on a circus show and get married.  I couldn't admit it then, but I can now, we may have liked each other alot, but we didn't love each other, nor were we in love.  You may be asking, how can she say that, Love doesn't hurt; verbally, emotionally or physically. And I did love him once, I was in love with him once, but thru the years, through all the mess, it went away and I stayed because I was content. That's my truth: I own it.
I should have paid close attention to the dreams, as well as the bells and whistles that were going off in my head.  In itself, it told me that a hurricane was brewing and you know what, that's exactly what happened.  The hurricane came, but I am thankful that it didn't take any lives: it just missed us.

-COCO-

A Place to Call Home

It seems unnatural that I long for a place where I have no family, but feel the most loved.  A placed that I have had some not so wonderful memories, but I long to call home.  A place where I wasn’t born, have no childhood memories, no parents, siblings, but a whole lot of friends.  Yet I feel a unknowingly, gnawing, sensation to be there. 

The people that live there, doesn’t think it’s all that great, but I love it!  To me, it’s so full of life!  There’s always something to do and the opportunities seem endless (to me).  I couldn’t ask for a better place to live.  It’s vibrant!  It’s warm!  It’s inviting! The shopping is endless (lol).  It has all my favorite places; I miss it something horrible.

  I’ve tried pushing my feelings to the pit of my stomach, bury them, but it’s not working.  I don’t know what else to do.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, we cannot be together at the moment, but maybe, just maybe, some day……….  Maybe someday this place and I will be reunited and maybe I will feel whole again.  Until then, I will visit as often as I can, to feel the warmth of the breeze, to smell the ocean air, sit in your parks that give me serenity, just to hear you whisper WELCOME HOME.

-COCO-

Don't sell him short

*sighing*  I had to let out a deep sigh, before writing this blog.  Why?  Because I am guilty of it, as I'm sure some of you are.
I have been hurt, disappointed, manipulated, verbally and some what physically abused in relationships, some of them all within one relationship.  I stop dating for a while, or sometimes I would date, just for the mere fact of inflicting the pain on them that someone had inflicted on me.  Was it right?  Not at all, but at the time I didn't know how else to deal with it.  You live and you learn.
I has taken me, until this very day (at the age of 39) to say, "Stop it, he is not to blame for what the last person has done to you."
It has been been a year and seven months, since I have started dating again.  For a year, this gentlemen has been nothing but sweet, kind, wonderful, totally and completed understanding, and has tried to love the pain away.  Me on the other hand, have been bitchy, complaining, comparing him to another, waiting on the other shoe to drop, doing everything that I can to push him away.  And for what?  Because I'm scared to death that he will turn out like the last one.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me.  He is a gentlemen (opens car doors and all other doors), he loves God, he works damn hard, he brings me flowers on any given day, just because, will cook my favorite meal, get up in the middle of the night to satisfy whatever craving I'm having (I'm not pregnant), just an all around good guy.  So WHAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I've spent so much time waiting on the other shoe to drop, that I haven't been enjoying life.  Today it ends.  I will love him as much as he loves me, soothe his hurts and scars, as much as he has soothed mine, spoil him the way he spoils me.  He deserves my best, as he has given me his.  I have to remind myself that HE is not HIM.
So remember, in your next relationship, don't blame this guy for what the past guy has done.  Even if it doesn't work out, live in the moment and enjoy life.  From this day forward, I will not SELL HIM SHORT.

-COCO-

My Raw Truth

“Whatare you doing?!”  There I was standing inthe door way of the kitchen between my children and the man holding a gun.  The man that vowed to love me for better orworse, sickness and in health, to be the protector of my children, was standingthere holding a gun, loaded and cocked, ready to shoot one of my children! Andfor what?  I couldn’t believe what wasgoing on.  Have you ever experiencedsomething in your life that shook you to your core and you felt like you werehaving an outer body experience?  For amoment I was in shock, my feet were glued to the floor; my heart was poundingnine million miles a minute, and at the mere sight of the gun!  I had to quickly shake myself back intoreality to defuse the situation and get my children as well as myself out ofthat house and into safety.  I was scaredout of my mind!  I wasn’t scared of him,what I was scared for the life on my children. Who was this man standing in front of me?!  I didn’t know him and at this point, I didn’twant to know him.  In my mind I began topray: Father God in the name of Jesus, pleasedon’t let this situation go any further. God I beg of you, step in and just help me get us to safety.
Bythis time there was so much yelling and screaming going on, I could barleythink straight. The dog was barking and growling and I felt a nip in my back,reached backed and pushed the dog away and continued trying to get the childrenout of the house.  My nephew was standingsomewhere close by, but things were kind of blurry for me.  I couldn’t believe that the man that wassupposed to be a father figure to my children for ten years, was standing thereholding a gun!  There was so much emotionflying around in that tight space, I didn’t know what to do.  By this time the children starting grabbingknives in order to better protect themselves and I was trying to push them outof the back door; out of harm’s way.
Theargument starts to get louder and louder, my head is spinning and tears areflowing. In the background I heard one of my sons’ yelling; “I can’t believethis nigga pulled a gun on me.” Another son screamed; “We don’t have to takethis, let’s just kill him!”  My heartdropped to my stomach and I began to pray a little harder!   Now we really have to get out of here!  I now begin to push the children out the backdoor towards safety.  They don’t want toleave me in the house, I’m trying to protect them and they are trying toprotect me.  My nephew appears from thefront side of the house to help me get them out the door and call for help.