Low Faith

How many times have you said, “Lord when is it my time?  What else must I endure before I am blessed?” 

So you’re going to sit there, read this and say, “Not me.”  Excuse me, but I don’t believe you!  You’re telling me that your faith has never been low.  You’ve always smiled your way thru every problem that you’ve had.  You’ve never felt like God had left your side?  If you answered no, I still don’t believe you!

I have sat and watched “celebs” on TV, with millions of dollars, whom shouldn’t have a care in the world, but some are hooked on drugs, in and out of trouble.  And I have said to God, “Why them and not me? I go to church, I pray, I pour my heart out to you, I have been thru trials and tribulations and yet praised you.  Yet there are people who have millions who don’t believe you exist.  Why them and not me?”  Yes!  I have had that conversation with God.  And I’m sure that some of you have had that same question, but will never admit it openly.  My faith has been and still is low sometimes.

“God, I’ve helped people, out of the kindness of my heart.  I’ve given when I’ve had it to give, even sometimes when I didn’t have it to give.  When is it my time?  Lord, what have I done, not to deserve to be blessed?”

Oh, I know some of you holier than thou folks, are rolling your eyes so hard, they are touching the back of your head.  Your faith has never been low.  You’ve always trusted God.  I also know that SOME of you are saying, “child you’re blessed to be alive.  You should be grateful.”

Don’t get me wrong, God has done MANY great things for me and I am thankful!  I thank him for his twins MERCY and GRACE daily.  But that still doesn’t mean that my faith doesn’t get low sometimes.

For those of you who have your blessing, don’t knock me because my faith is low and I have a conversation with God about it.  Don’t judge me.  Until you received your blessing, has your faith always been high?  If so, kudos to you; I’m not there yet, so cover me and pray for me until I get there.

My faith has been low and didn’t say it stayed there.

~C~

I'll Get There

I was riding on the interstate the other day, and there was this car following me really close.  Now mind you, I'm already driving ten miles over the speed limit, in the far left lane, or better known as "the fast lane." The car acted like, there was no other way that they could pass.  As I began to slowly move over, into the middle lane, I thought about something.  In life, there's more than one way to get to your destination. Just like there was more than one way for that car to pass.
If I were that car, I would have dropped back, moved over to the far right lane, also known as, "the slow lane," and passed.  Sometimes, you have to slow down (wait), observe (make sure that all your ducks are in a row), and then pass (get back up again).  If you can't pass to your left, rethink that thing and pass to your right.  Like Fantasia says, "Sometimes you have to lose to win."
No matter how fast or slow you're going, on the road, or in life, you'll get there one way or the other.  My path may not be your path, but I'll get there.  I may not do it the same way that you did it, but I'll get there.  I may not get there as fast as you got there, but I'll get there and that's all that matters.

~C~

Open Letter

Dear Dad,

You will never know how important having a father is in a young girls life.  She needs you to be there to tell her she’s beautiful, she needs you there to teach her that a man is suppose to love her, not hurt her.  You were supposed to be there to show me that a man is supposed to be a gentlemen. You were supposed to be my first love.  I should have been able to compare every man in my life to you.   Instead you weren’t and I had to learn the hard way.

I went thru countless relationships, looking for love and affection in all the wrong places.  Relationships that could have cost me my life.  Putting up with mental and verbal abuse, which I thought, was a part of someone loving you that was the way that they showed affection.  You argue to make up.  Yeah right!

  I had to suffer thru the ordeal of almost being molested by an adult male cousin.  Luckily I knew that the first chance I got to jump out the window and run home!  Instead of running home to a dad to say, “Don’t worry baby girl, I will take care of it,” I ran home to a single mother of five.  Who held me, while I cried, she cried and prayed.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that my mother was there, but you have to understand that a girl longs for her dad, in a time such as that.

For years, I was angry and hurt, and I couldn’t understand why you weren’t there to protect me, to love me, and comfort me when needed.  Even though I was angry, I loved you with all my heart! I wrote you often, I had mom drive me four hours to visit you, only to be you for maybe a hour tops.  What in the world was that?

I said all of that to say this, FATHERS, DADS, POPS, whatever you are called, a little girl needs you in her life.  She needs you there to be her hero, her protector.  You should have so much influence in your daughters life, that no man in this world would be able to do her wrong.  Every guy that she dates should be compared to you.  You should be the best thing that ever happened to her.  Don’t make her long for love that she should already feel coming from you.

-COCO-

Dare to dream

Young ladies, you have to learn to love yourself before you love anyone else.  You have to set your standards a little higher than the norm.  Stop being the rule and be the EXCEPTION.  Yes, that’s exactly how I wanted to say it.  Most people think that the rule is, I came from the projects, so I will never leave the projects.  That is the lie people tell themselves, not to push themselves to be anything better.  Say this; “I am the EXCEPTION because I am from the projects and I got out!” (I am not downing anyone from the projects)

Know that you are an extraordinary being!  Life wouldn’t be life without you.  Make your existence count.  Push yourself to be better than you were yesterday and tomorrow, push yourself to be better than you were today.

Have self love and self respect for yourself.  Have confidence in yourself.  Let your light shine so bright that it can be seen from earth to the moon.  DARE TO DREAM.

COCO

Cleansing

I've found that in order for a wound to heal properly, you must clean and disinfect it.  If you allow that wound to close with all that pus and infection in it, it will soon burst back open. 
Same goes for our soul.  Though I thought that my wounds were completely healed, they were not.  I tried to cover them up, with bandages, gauze and tape, without disinfecting and cleansing them properly, and now look whats happened; they are oozing all over the place.  I can't have that, so I must clean it up, disinfect it and allow it to heal properly.
My writing is my disinfectant.  It is my cleansing process, so that I may heal properly, so that I may be able to help someone else.  Cleanse so that the holes in my soul, head, and heart will close and heal properly and never return.
I need to cleanse these wounds, so that the oozing will stop (the crying, the sleepless nights, the depression), so that I can be whole, free from holes.
Whatever it takes for you to cleanse, do that.  I'm doing this.

-COCO-

Guilt

I have been praying for over a year now, asking God to help me let go of this guilt.  I’ve been asking myself over and over again, what I could have done differently, to help him.  What could I have done differently to make his life better?  Should I have sought more help?  Should I have been a stay at home mom?  Did I work too much?  Was I in the wrong relationship?  Did he not have enough positive role models in his life?

Well, today I had a profound revelation; I DID NOTHING WRONG.  I did everything that I could for him and I am a damn good mother!  I couldn’t have worked to hard, because I had two other children to care for. I disciplined him when I should have; I sought the help that school counselors told me that he needed.  I prayed, I kept him in church, I sent him away to military boot camp.  What else could I have done?  Nothing.

I worked my butt off to keep a roof over my children’s head, food in their mouth and clothes on their backs.  They may not have had every name -brand clothing known to man, but they dressed nice and they were always clean.  I did my very best as a single mother, to never have to live in the ghetto: so that they wouldn’t have to fight their way to school every day, have freedom to walk to the neighborhood store, or be able to play freely in the park.

It was nothing that I did wrong, it was the life that he chose to live and the type of friends that he chose to be involved with.  What he’s going thru now, I have no doubt that God will bring him out, but this is a lesson for him to learn and not a punishment for me.  It took me a long time to realize that, but I finally did.

For every single mother out there that may have a troubling child, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.  If you have done everything that you could, rest easy.  There are some things that people (children) have to go through in order to have a testimony for their adult lives.  Don’t let your child guilt you into feeling like you weren’t or aren’t a good parent.  He use to try and do that to me, saying that I loved the other two more than I loved him.  I honestly allowed that to affect me.  NO MORE.  I love all my kids the same.  I won’t do for one that I won’t do for the other and they all know that.  I bend over backwards for every single child that I gave birth to (and some I didn’t).

So today, I am free of the guilt. And you should be too.

-COCO-

Sleepless in my bed

Most nights, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't seem to concentrate on more than one thing at a time; my mind races 90 miles a minute, every second of every day. Why? Because I bare the burdens of other people, take on things that don't belong to me.

If I get five hours of sleep on any given night, without waking up the next morning feeling like I've been fighting for my life, I'm doing good. I wake up totally exhausted, something has got to give.

If my mind isn't racing about this son or that son, this thing or that thing, how can I push myself harder to make my dream become reality faster, so that I can help all of my sons or this person or that person, with this thing or that. Where will my life be in a year, will the relationship I'm in stay together or fall apart (basing it on past relationships and hurts). It's always something. People love to call and talk to me about one thing or the other and I love listening and giving advice. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm going to give you TRUTH, it may go your way, it may not. But you get the truth.

And it's like I see a problem of a family member or friend and I feel that I must find a way to fix it. Did they ask me to? No? But if I see it's bothering or hurting them, then it bothers me. If I see one of them going down the wrong path or that someone is out to hurt them, I feel it's my job to step in and derail it. What is this thing that plagues me?! Why can't I just worry about myself and the ones that live in my home? Those things alone is enough to keep my mind occupied. It's like I can't help myself. But I have to find a way or I know that I may self destruct.

I carry to much in my heart and my head. Some how, some way, I have to filter out the things that don't concern me, only intervene in extreme emergencies.

I am not Superwoman, I can't save the world and the sad things is, no one has asked me to.




-COCO-