Warning Signs

I should have never ignored the warning signs, all the bells and whistles that were going off in my head and my stomach, I pushed them deep into the back of my mind, locked it and prayed that it didn't seep out.  I held the answer to my own fate and I ignored it.
Some people call them premonitions, some call it woman's institution, to me they are simply my dreams.
The first dream that I had (sign # 1), was about the bouquet of flowers that my very best girlfriend was making for the wedding party.  She made a sample and I thought they were just beautiful.  After looking over the sample, she proceeded to make the rest of the bouquets.  A few days later, I had a dream that three of the bouquets, became unraveled and fell apart.  Before I could even tell her about my dream, she said, "sis, I have some bad news, some of the bouquets came undone, the beading and everything fell off, so we had to get some more material and items." 
The second dream that took place was that my cousin couldn't make it to the wedding (because she was driving from out of town) because of a storm that was brewing.
The third dream, which also ties into the second dream; was about the night that we were suppose to have the wedding rehearsal, it was raining cats and dogs! The wind was blowing out of control as if a storm was on its way; a hurricane even.
And can you guess what happened on May 16, 2008, it started raining cats and dogs, my cousin (from dream number two) was in a minor car accident and almost couldn't make it.  The rehearsal seemed as if it was never going to start, the music we needed to rehearse with, was left at home, I asked "him" to go back to get it, he felt like it wasn't necessary, so there we are in an argument in the rehearsal hall.  There was tension the rest of the night between the two of us: even as we went our separate ways to hang out with our friends, not many words were passed between us.
The day had arrived and even though I had that gut wrenching feeling, how could I turn back?  Everything was in place, everything was paid for, all the guest had arrived, looking lovely in their wedding attire; to see two people who "LIKED" each other enough to put on a circus show and get married.  I couldn't admit it then, but I can now, we may have liked each other alot, but we didn't love each other, nor were we in love.  You may be asking, how can she say that, Love doesn't hurt; verbally, emotionally or physically. And I did love him once, I was in love with him once, but thru the years, through all the mess, it went away and I stayed because I was content. That's my truth: I own it.
I should have paid close attention to the dreams, as well as the bells and whistles that were going off in my head.  In itself, it told me that a hurricane was brewing and you know what, that's exactly what happened.  The hurricane came, but I am thankful that it didn't take any lives: it just missed us.

-COCO-

A Place to Call Home

It seems unnatural that I long for a place where I have no family, but feel the most loved.  A placed that I have had some not so wonderful memories, but I long to call home.  A place where I wasn’t born, have no childhood memories, no parents, siblings, but a whole lot of friends.  Yet I feel a unknowingly, gnawing, sensation to be there. 

The people that live there, doesn’t think it’s all that great, but I love it!  To me, it’s so full of life!  There’s always something to do and the opportunities seem endless (to me).  I couldn’t ask for a better place to live.  It’s vibrant!  It’s warm!  It’s inviting! The shopping is endless (lol).  It has all my favorite places; I miss it something horrible.

  I’ve tried pushing my feelings to the pit of my stomach, bury them, but it’s not working.  I don’t know what else to do.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, we cannot be together at the moment, but maybe, just maybe, some day……….  Maybe someday this place and I will be reunited and maybe I will feel whole again.  Until then, I will visit as often as I can, to feel the warmth of the breeze, to smell the ocean air, sit in your parks that give me serenity, just to hear you whisper WELCOME HOME.

-COCO-

Don't sell him short

*sighing*  I had to let out a deep sigh, before writing this blog.  Why?  Because I am guilty of it, as I'm sure some of you are.
I have been hurt, disappointed, manipulated, verbally and some what physically abused in relationships, some of them all within one relationship.  I stop dating for a while, or sometimes I would date, just for the mere fact of inflicting the pain on them that someone had inflicted on me.  Was it right?  Not at all, but at the time I didn't know how else to deal with it.  You live and you learn.
I has taken me, until this very day (at the age of 39) to say, "Stop it, he is not to blame for what the last person has done to you."
It has been been a year and seven months, since I have started dating again.  For a year, this gentlemen has been nothing but sweet, kind, wonderful, totally and completed understanding, and has tried to love the pain away.  Me on the other hand, have been bitchy, complaining, comparing him to another, waiting on the other shoe to drop, doing everything that I can to push him away.  And for what?  Because I'm scared to death that he will turn out like the last one.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me.  He is a gentlemen (opens car doors and all other doors), he loves God, he works damn hard, he brings me flowers on any given day, just because, will cook my favorite meal, get up in the middle of the night to satisfy whatever craving I'm having (I'm not pregnant), just an all around good guy.  So WHAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I've spent so much time waiting on the other shoe to drop, that I haven't been enjoying life.  Today it ends.  I will love him as much as he loves me, soothe his hurts and scars, as much as he has soothed mine, spoil him the way he spoils me.  He deserves my best, as he has given me his.  I have to remind myself that HE is not HIM.
So remember, in your next relationship, don't blame this guy for what the past guy has done.  Even if it doesn't work out, live in the moment and enjoy life.  From this day forward, I will not SELL HIM SHORT.

-COCO-

My Raw Truth

“Whatare you doing?!”  There I was standing inthe door way of the kitchen between my children and the man holding a gun.  The man that vowed to love me for better orworse, sickness and in health, to be the protector of my children, was standingthere holding a gun, loaded and cocked, ready to shoot one of my children! Andfor what?  I couldn’t believe what wasgoing on.  Have you ever experiencedsomething in your life that shook you to your core and you felt like you werehaving an outer body experience?  For amoment I was in shock, my feet were glued to the floor; my heart was poundingnine million miles a minute, and at the mere sight of the gun!  I had to quickly shake myself back intoreality to defuse the situation and get my children as well as myself out ofthat house and into safety.  I was scaredout of my mind!  I wasn’t scared of him,what I was scared for the life on my children. Who was this man standing in front of me?!  I didn’t know him and at this point, I didn’twant to know him.  In my mind I began topray: Father God in the name of Jesus, pleasedon’t let this situation go any further. God I beg of you, step in and just help me get us to safety.
Bythis time there was so much yelling and screaming going on, I could barleythink straight. The dog was barking and growling and I felt a nip in my back,reached backed and pushed the dog away and continued trying to get the childrenout of the house.  My nephew was standingsomewhere close by, but things were kind of blurry for me.  I couldn’t believe that the man that wassupposed to be a father figure to my children for ten years, was standing thereholding a gun!  There was so much emotionflying around in that tight space, I didn’t know what to do.  By this time the children starting grabbingknives in order to better protect themselves and I was trying to push them outof the back door; out of harm’s way.
Theargument starts to get louder and louder, my head is spinning and tears areflowing. In the background I heard one of my sons’ yelling; “I can’t believethis nigga pulled a gun on me.” Another son screamed; “We don’t have to takethis, let’s just kill him!”  My heartdropped to my stomach and I began to pray a little harder!   Now we really have to get out of here!  I now begin to push the children out the backdoor towards safety.  They don’t want toleave me in the house, I’m trying to protect them and they are trying toprotect me.  My nephew appears from thefront side of the house to help me get them out the door and call for help.

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Young women, young ladies, woman, what eva you call yourself. It's time out for being silly.  For all of you rich, poor, African American women(you are really poor, but you think your rich, because you can wear every name bran their is & can't pay your bills on time), it's time out for acting like you have to be on every scene, with a new outfit on; trying to catch some brotha with a few dollas, to take care of you.  That is so OLD.  Get out there & get it 4 yourself. Stop acting like u don't have a mind of your own. Go 2 school & have a profession of your own, that will bring in your own money.
Stop selling yourself short, young ladies with children. It's not cute to always casually date some 1, just to say u went out & don't have food in your house.  The time you wasted going out, could have been spent figuring out how your gonna put food in the house for you & your kids. The money he spent taking you out, could have been spent in Walmart, Winn Dixie, Publix, or Food Lion, to get enough food to last at least a week.  But because you want a nice meal, u feed the kids hotdogs, while u go have Shrimp & Steak. Stop being so SILLY! Stop having guys come ova, having casual sex & u have 9 million things on your plate that u don't know how your gonna take care of & they can't offer u a dime. Now he's gone home & u still don't know how your gonna pay your electric bill, phone bill, car payment or rent.  Baby u better invest in some sex toys & keep it moving!  Y?! Because most guys only gonna give u about thirty minutes anyway. They want you cause you're easy and u don't expect anything from them.  Trust they don't wanna deal with me, because I come with a price tag!  Oh, so now I'm a hoe cause I said that? Lol.  Allow me to explain my price tag, it's call integrity, self respect and most of all pride! Stop selling yourself short!

-COCO-

Brothers (by Damon Lettingham)

Brothers

1Brothers boldly bond simply because of love,

2Like the bond of two doves they stick together through thick and thin,

3No matter what happens they will never split at the end,

4Their love for each other is unbelievable,

5Breaking them up is unachievable

6Brothers are superheroes,

7Saving each other from what life throws,

8They hold each other in the cold,

9Speaking to god because only he knows,

10Their love is worth more than gold

11Brothers are like soldiers in a war,

12When one is down the others are there to restore,

13Realizing that no one can extirpate their love,

14They pray and receive blessings from the man above,

15Brothers.

Raw Truth

 At the age of 19, I got pregnant with my first child.  I was mixed with emotion.  I was happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because I thought, "Oh yes, I'm going to have this baby and my child's father and I will be a family."  That was so far from the truth.  When I told him, I was pregnant, his response was, "Are you sure it's mine?"
Now, I was hurt and looking stupid in the face.  But why?  My child's father and I wasn't in a relationship at the time, he was in a relationship with someone else and I was the side chick he was sleeping with.  Yes, he and I dated for about five years, but we broke up and during the time that I got pregnant, we weren't together.  I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit my RAW TRUTH.
Me being young and dumb, thought to myself, this baby will bring us back together.  How many of you have had the same thing happen to you?
Long story short, my son is nineteen and his father and I are NOT together.  Young women, I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying this to help you: HAVING A BABY BY A GUY WHO YOU ARE JUST MESSING AROUND WITH ON THE SIDE, ISN'T GOING TO BRING HIM TO YOU.  HAVING A BABY WITH A GUY (and you know your relationship is rocky) IS NOT GOING TO KEEP HIM.  HAVING A BABY, DOESN'T KEEP A MAN. AND THAT'S THE RAW TRUTH!
Now, you're stuck raising a child by yourself.  Yes, he may pay child support, yes, he  may or may not come around, but you guys still aren't together.  Now, you're hurt and mad and do everything you can to make his life miserable and what's the very first thing we as hurt woman do...... be honest. WE USE THE BABY AGAINST HIM. 
We put ourselves in that situation, but we blame him, RAW TRUTH, it's not fair and it's not right. Some of us are guilty of it, so I say to you, stop it.  Refocus your energy of something positive.  Children are a blessing, but in the right way.
Like it or not, you know that I am telling nothing but the RAW TRUTH.

COCO